Never Say Goodbye
by carlycarter
Summary: Set post Peacekeeper Wars. Crichton confides in Aeryn expecting her sympathy, however she takes off on a vengeful killing spree with Chiana by her side, leaving John and their baby behind. After completing her mission of revenge, she and Chiana return to Moya, in time for her son's first birthday, to find that everyone has abandoned ship.


For Sarah J, all credit to her for the ideas and pictures. 3 

Prologue.

The Aftermath.

The kind of experiences they shared over the past weeks, allowed for a comfortable silence to fall upon the two of them. Almost as if they didn't have to speak. As if everything had been said, or as if they knew already what the other was thinking. And for Chiana, to not need to speak, that was something.

Aeryn loved John, and their baby. Missed them. But not desperately. The task at hand had provided adequate distraction. And she found Chiana, surprisingly, a perfect companion.

Chiana had been obedient, submissive even. Chiana! Once they set foot off Moya, even Chiana took their mission very seriously. She recognised Aeryn's experience and expertise in the area. Enthusiastic as Chiana was, she didn't want to die, and sticking with Aeryn was the smart move. Chiana was motivated too. Not as motivated as Aeryn, but motivated. She cared for Crichton too. In a way Aeryn was jealous of sometimes. Not in a sexual way, despite the flirting and games from Chiana. That was just Chiana. It was something else John saw when he looked at Chiana.

Aeryn's heart ached when she saw John looking at Chiana. John looked at her like she was...innocent. Worthy. Something he never could look at Aeryn like. Like he trusted her. Like he believed in her, like Chiana could do no wrong. Even though she caused endless trouble. Somehow it was never Chiana's fault. Because she 'meant well'. As if that mattered. A bad outcome is a bad outcome far as Aeryn saw it. But Crichton had a different measure of judgement. One where Chiana meant no harm therefore caused no harm. And where somehow every bad thing that happened was Aeryn's fault. As if Aeryn was held to a higher standard, which according to some was a compliment.

But Crichton looked to Chiana almost as if she was...human. As if she possessed this "humanity" that Crichton spoke of often. This intangible thing Aeryn could not understand, or describe. Only one thing she knew for sure. Chiana had this thing, Aeryn did not.

Aeryn forced her jealousy aside. This was a mission. Something she knew, she excelled at, she is comfortable at. So despite the issues with Chiana, her immaturity, lack of respect, lack of self control, and the fact Crichton thought she did no wrong, Chiana was somehow the perfect parter. She wan't Aeryn's choice. Aeryn had planned this alone. It was her debt to repay. Her family to protect. And, were she to look deep deep inside, which she could not do, it was her pain that she could not deal with. And this was the only way she knew, the peace keeper way. It was Chiana who caught up to her as she was about to leave Moya, and demanded she was coming too. Aeryn dismissed her initially. But, not wanting to cause a scene or alert the others, and seeing the fire in Chiana's eyes, Aeryn's resolve wavered.

"You don't understand what I have to do." Aeryn whispered.

"I do." Chiana insisted, and there were hot tears in her eyes. "I have to do this , too."

And Aeryn had relented, in that split second. She had looked at Chiana and not seen a foolish Nebari girl. She saw a soldier. With motivation. And Passion. And loyalty. She saw a comrade. And in her urgency to flee Moya without alerting the others, Aeryn conceded and let Chiana come along.

Over the weeks they had taken to accomplish the task, Aeryn felt a pride growing, as if she had groomed Chiana, made her into something great. And Chiana had done her job more than admirably. She felt a pride, like the pride she felt when she looked at her baby boy. She felt happy, for the first time in a long time. Aeryn doesn't like to admit that. After all she had the man, the baby, what more could she want? But life as a mother and wife had been different to the life she knew. Not worse, just an adjustment. It was as if Crichton wanted to stifle all the peacekeeper parts of her make them disappear. As if he suddenly (or maybe always) loved only parts of her. Not the soldier part. Not the part of her capable of the killing and slaughter she had been capable of the last weeks. As if being a mother, a wife, meant that she no longer could be a peacekeeper, a soldier. And while Aeryn wished she felt fulfilled enough with that, she cant deny, she enjoyed it, being back in her element. It wasn't like she wanted to be a peace keeper, or to put herself in danger for no reason, but it felt good, when reason warranted, to be able to take care of things.

It did not occur to Aeryn, not until it was over, and she and Chiana returned to the commerce planet where they had left the transport pod, that she may have done the wrong thing. That John might not be thrilled she took off with Chiana to fight this war. To Aeryn it was not only the right thing to do, but the only thing. But an uncomfortable feeling took over her as she got closer to Moya, to home.

A kind of transition took over, when they reached the commerce planet, as Chiana chattered away. Mission over. Enemy annihilated. Success. But something happened when it was over, Aeryn wasn't a soldier anymore, part of her always would be. But she had a part now that wasn't a soldier. A big part that was a wife, a mother, a crew-mate. It felt so easy snapping into "soldier" mode. But transitioning back, that wasn't so smooth.

Chiana transitioned back to herself too. After her brief interlude as a soldier, she was back to her irritating complaining self. "My frelling feet are killing me! Could we have left the transport pod any further away?!"

"Stop complaining or I'll cut your feet off and that will fix the problem!" Aeryn snapped.

Chiana flinched, as if she wasn't expecting such a harsh response. Over the last weeks they hadn't spoken harshly to one another, they had a job and a goal, now, things were back to normal, as if it never happened, and it seemed to catch Chiana by surprise.

Funny thing is that Aeryn's feet were killing her too. Something she hadn't noticed until Chiana mentioned it. And she would kill for a nice hot bath herself.

As if Chiana read her mind she spoke up, as if Aeryn's harsh response moments ago hadn't phased her. "Can't we stay on this planet side tonight, a nice hot shower and a nice warm bed." She pleaded.

"No." Aeryn snapped.

Chiana folded her arms sulking, but made no reply. She knew there was no point, Aeryn had decided.

After moments of a suddenly awkward silence, Aeryn mumbled "I'm sorry I snapped at you."

"I didn't hear that? What?" Chiana teased her. She really couldn't help herself. Couldn't take an apology when it was offered. If anyone knew how to push someone over the line it was Chiana.

Aeryn couldn't help the smile that crept on her face. "I said I am sorry. I just have to get back to Moya before the first day. I didn't realise we would be gone this long."

"Oh yeah, the baby's birthday. I didn't think peacekeepers celebrated that milestone."

"Peacekeepers don't. But I'm not just a peace keeper, in fact I'm not a peace keeper at all anymore, I am a mother."

"Not like the baby will notice." Chiana pointed out.

Aeryn couldn't argue that. She didn't see why it so important she be there tomorrow on this special day rather than the day before or the day after. The baby wouldn't notice.

"It's important to John." Aeryn offered as a reason.

"Fair enough." Chiana conceded and didn't complain any longer about the long walk to the transport pod.

Aeryn felt weary, and not only weary physically. But almost weary at being a soldier. As much as she had not felt whole without being a soldier, she felt now that she was almost home, almost holding her baby in her arms, that maybe she was just too old to keep up with this.

"Don't ge me wrong, I love your kid, but everything is a "milestone" as far as Chritchtnon is concerned." Chiana blathered away.

Aeryn didn't have the energy to defend her beloved husband. "I know what you mean. I don't quite understand it. Maybe it's a human thing. I love him too but every time he does something, roll over, sit up, crawl, blink , Crichton praises him, like it's some great acheivement. All babies do it, all Sebacean babies, all Human babies, its nothing special. Who knows what Crichton will do if our son ever actually achieves something great."

"Funny Crichton is so silly and sentimental, almost like he is the mother." Chiana mused.

This struck a nerve. Chiana hadn't meant it to. "What do you mean? I am his mother." Aeryn insisted. She was particularly adamant about this, after the baby had been born, and it became clear his features, his anatomy, physiology, was far more human that sebacean. Something she hadn't been expecting. And she admits, sometimes she watches John rock the baby to sleep and sees the resembelance between them, and she feels like an outsider. When she had been with that baby for hours, feeding him, talking to him, walking him, rockning him, and he cried and cried. And along comes John and picks him up and suddenly the baby is all smiles. It was as if that baby thought his mother was alien. As if he was afraid of her. Aeryn, once, had confided in John about it, and he laughed and told her she was being ridiculous.

"I didn't mean anything by it, we were just joking, making fun at John for being sentimental." Chiana said.

"I love my baby." Aeryn insisted.

"You don't have to tell me that, I know."

"You think I shouldn't have left him all these weeks?" Aeryn asks defensively.

"Bit late to think about that now." Chiana responded.

"So you do think I'm a bad mother for leaving him?"

"No, I think if it bothered you that much you should have thought about it at the time. But it doesn't bother you, does it? Thats the thing. It didn't bother you in the least, but you know Crichton won't be happy."

Chiana had hit the nail on the head. Aeryn hadn't grown up with parents around her full time. It didn't feel bad to her to leave her child for a few weeks. He was with John, safe, cared for. And she was doing this for her family, to keep them safe. She missed her baby, was looking forward to holding him in her arms, but no she felt no maternal guilt as such.

"He doesn't understand any way but his way." Chiana tried to talk herself out of trouble. "He was raised by a mother and father and siblings, and to him thats normal. To you it's not normal."

"I don't want my son to be raised in a peace keeper soldier camp." Aeryn insisted. And as the words came out of her mouth she wondered at them. Remembered a time she would have been proud to say her son was a soldier. That she would have wanted him to be brave and strong and achieve greatness. To fight for a cause that was worthy. It was hard for her to understand what she had missed out on, because she had not known different. She certainly doesn't want her child to be away from her, from Crichton. But she wonders sometimes, what kind of child they are raising. Crichton picks him up, carries him everywhere, no wonder he had been late to crawl. Every time he cries the world stops and revolves around this baby. Aeryn loved him, and didn't want to sound heartless, but the boy needed to learn life wasn't always fair, that it didn't revolve around him. How would he learn strength and independence with John fussing over him all the time. And what would he be? So much of Aeryn's own life had been defined as a peacekeeper, a solider. What would her son be? In ten fifteen years would they still be floating aimlessly around in Moya doing what? Fighting off enemies? What kind of values would her son grow up with?

Sometimes John talked about settling down. Leaving Moya and Pilot and settling on a planet, not unlike earth. And being, what he called, a "real" family. Aeryn didn't see how living on a planet made them any more real. That was his way, his life, and more and more she felt pushed aside as is this child wasn't even hers, as if it was his to raise and his alone. He taught the child english. Or tried to, the boy could not speak yet. It mattered little, there were translator microbes, but he went out of his way to teach his son, and Aeryn, english words. He never made an attempt to learn her language. He objected to the bed time stories she told about great peacekeeper battles and heroes. Her life, her legacy, and it wasn't good enough for her son. They talked about what he would do, where he would go to learn, what things he should learn, "he is just a baby" John dismissed. "We can teach him". It just didn't sit right with Aeryn that her child not receive some kind of education and training. Not necessarily to be a soldier, she knew all too well that was not a happy life. But the child would be smart and strong and it would be such a waste that he not do something great.

"I'm not sure John will be all that happy you just left that's all I meant." Chiana tried to explain.

'Why?" Aeryn asked, genuinely confused. "The baby is safe, with John. He is not even one year old yet, he wont remember that I left, he wont even notice. It never hurt me being apart from parents when I was young." Aeryn insisted.

Chiana didn't have the courage to debate that one. "You must know he wont be happy, or else why did we sneak away in the middle of the night."

"John might not be totally happy, and at the time, if he could have, he may have tried to stop me. But now it's done, and he will know it had to be done. He will understand, and he will be thankful it was done. He knows I love him and the baby, he knows where we went, what we did. He knows we were coming back. He won't be upset that I had to leave for a few weeks." Aeryn insisted. Funny thing is, she believed it.

_**The Homecoming.**_

Aeryn looked around the room, careful to make sure she was alone, before she replayed the message. Far as she could tell, she and Chiana were alone on Moya, and Aeryn didn't think Chiana would be getting out of her long hot bath she had been longing for any time soon. It's funny, It's like she hadn't noticed until they returned, the blood stains in Chiana's hair, on her skin. As if she had been blinded. And once they were back on Moya, it bothered her suddenly to see Chiana covered in so much blood. Aeryn had insisted she go bathe before Crichton saw her. And much as Chiana was happy to be home and wanting to see the others, she couldn't toss up the opportunity to soak her aching feet.

They had managed to board un noticed, which seemed odd straight away. But then perhaps John was mad at them and refused to meet them as they arrived home. It was late, perhaps he and the baby were asleep. But Aeryn had an uneasy feeling and as she walked the silent corridors in search of someone. The only person she found was Pilot. He was far from happy to see her. He was abrupt with her in a way that hurt her because she hadn't been expecting it. When she asked where the others were, and Pilot said gone, her heart sank. When she asked where and Pilot said he didn't know, a rage came over her, as if she wanted to torture pilot until he told her everything. It was the fear in Pilot's eyes that stopped her. The only thing that stopped her, she had been ready to tear him to pieces with her bare hands to find out where her family was. He was keeping something from her, that made him enemy.

"You shouldn't have left." Pilot reprimanded her.

"I don't answer to you." She yelled back in frustration. "Where is my husband, my son?"

"I am not lying, I do not know."

"You know something!" She insisted, not because he seemed to be hiding something, but because he HAD to be. She had to have some understanding as to where everyone went, and why.

"Crichton left you a message." Is all Pilot told her. He refused to answer any further questions, and Aeryn left him, with a promise that this wasn't over.

She had found the message John left her, she watched it once, stunned and confused, and played it again, after making sure no one else was around.

His image in hologram flashed up before her. As if he was standing right there, so life like. She swiped her hand right through him and his image shimmered before her.

"Aeryn." He called her name, and it made her breath catch in her throat.

She knew it was only a hologram message, but the way he called her, the way his eyes stare right at her, it feels to her as if he is right there in the room. She wondered, briefly, if this was some kind of pay back, a joke, because he was angry that she left him.

"I don't have a lot of time." He continues.

Aeryn stands, still and silent, watching over and over, hoping for some kind of clue as to where he was, what was going on. It's like he reads her mind too, as if he is right there responding to the look of confused panic on her face.

"I guess if you are watching this it means two things..." He trails off again

"First, you're alive." There is a tremor in his voice. As he expected her not to be. As if he was afraid, as if he didn't trust her to look after herself.

"Second, you came back," He says that too as if it wasn't a given. Why wouldn't she be back?

She furrows her brow in confusion. He is angry, she realised.

She doesn't know why. He was always so dramatic. She told him where she was going. She remembers "I'll kill her, I'll kill all of them, anyone who hurt you." Wasn't that explanation enough?

"I wanted to leave you this message, because, well I don't know really. I mean you just left, again, just like that." He accuses her.

The knife of guilt stabs her a little, but she rises in defence, she did it for him, why couldn't he see that. He knew where she was going, why she was going.

"And if it wasn't bad enough that you just left, at the time I needed you most, the time I trusted you, and what? You can't deal so you leave, leave me, leave our child. But you drag Chiana with you. Do you even realise the way she looks up to you? She is just a kid. If you really wanted to go you should have just left. And maybe if you had, I wouldn't be talking now. If it was just you, maybe I wouldn't bother."

Those words stop her heart for a moment. Not just the words. But the venom in his eyes.

He continues without missing a beat. "Maybe I would just leave. Like you did. Again. But, there is Chiana, there is our son. I don't want to be the bad guy who left and took your child from you. Because I want you to have one thing clear. You are the one who left. You walked away. Without caring about us. You get that right Aeryn? If you do come back, if you get this message, I need you to understand that. I didn't do this."

She gets it. She left. He didn't. He is he better person, thats why she left the baby with him. So what is his problem?

"It is not safe for me to tell you where we went, or why. I don't know who might find this message. The best I can do is leave this message with Pilot and hope that you find it. Don't come looking for us. You won't find us. Wait where you are and we will find you."

He sighed deeply before continuing. "I felt like there were so many things I needed to say to you Aeryn. Now that I try, they are all gone. Like you I guess."

"Chiana, I don't blame you for whatever you think you are doing. I only hope you realise before its too late, that this isn't the way. You always had a great insight into people, into whats right what is wrong, you always showed great courage and strenght as you resisted the mind cleansingby yoru own people, you have always been able to think for yourself, and so I ask you to think about what you are doing, I know that you look up to Aeryn, I know that you want her approval, but you are making a mistake to follow her blindly into this blood bath. It's not the way. You know that, I know you do. You question everything, everyone, why follow her so blindly this time? If either one of you think you did this for me then you are so wrong. I didn't want this. And I hope you realise before it's too late for you Chiana."

He doesn't bother saying the same about Aeryn, it's clearly too late for her.

"It's not my intention to run from you Chiana, or even from you Aeryn. We have to leave, it's not a choice. It's not because I'm angry, even though I am. I don't want us to be seperated like this. But I will make one thing clear, I won;t have this needless senseless violence around my child. So I hope the both of you think about that long and hard."

My child? Aeryn scoffs. She was the one who carried him, gave birth to him. It's not like she took him to the battle field with her. She left him in safety. And she didn't force Chiana, Chiana came willingly. How was Aeryn suddenly the bad guy? She had risked her life to keep her family safe. After all, isnt that why John had finally told her about all those things that happened to him? So she could go and take vengeance. Isn't that how she had to prove herself? After all she left the first time, and things happened to him. It was her job to make sure he was safe. Why is he so mad about that? And where had he gone? There was no threat that she knew of, but that didn't mean much. John kept so much from her. And much as she wanted to hold firmly to the fact she was right to leave and do the things she had done, the guilt creeps in now. If she had been with her family, maybe she could have kept them safe, she would be with them. But she knows John will keep the baby safe. He couldn't be in better hands. Maybe safer without her around, maybe that was the idea.

Even though it meant next to nothing to her, she knows it is her son's first birthday tomorrow, and how important it was to John, he had been planning for months. He would not easily forgive her not being there. The guilt is too much to take, it's not the peacekeeper way. She turns her thoughts to anger. She was back in plenty of time for the birthday celebration. John had taken the boy away from her. As a punishment, as a payback. It felt so much better being mad at him.

She pushed her rage aside, and forced herself to listen to the rest of the message. After all there might be a clue to where he was going. "Aeryn, this is for you and you alone. I really am astounded. Speechless. You crossed the line this time. I don't even know how to begin. The things I told you I told you because I wanted to share with you. I wanted you to know, I wanted you to be there for me, in the way I have always been there for you. I didn't want you to leave me, and I especially didn't want you to go on a reign of terror killing spree on my behalf. Perhaps if not for our son I may have stopped you. But someone had to stay here and care for him. If I wanted vengeance, I could have done that myself. How can you know me so little after all this time to think I wanted this? To think I wanted you to run again, from me, from our son, and for what?

Zhaan gave her life twice over for you, sometimes I wonder if you remember that. Do you think this is what she gave her life for. How do you want me to explain this to our son when he is older? Mommy isnt here, I don't know where she is, she is off killing people, she might never come back, she could be dead for all I know, and for what?

I don't know why I bother. You don't understand the slightest thing. I know you don't. Because if you understood, even a little bit, what it took for me to tell you those things, there is no way you could have walked out on me.

Still, I want you to know I'm not leaving Moya and Pilot just to spite you.

At that moment, her beuatiful baby boy toddles into the frame. He is walking, no longer crawling around the floor, but walking so awkwardly and adorably it brings a lump to Aeryn's throat to see him. He puts his arms up for John to pick him up and mumbles "Dadda!" Aeryn is struck by the beauty of her son, not a baby anymore, a walking, talking boy, not the baby she left behind. She had missed so much.

"Say Hi to Momma and Aunty Chiana." John tells the boy as he kisses the top of his head.

The little boy waves and John praises him in that way he always did, "Good boy, you are so clever!" It always grated on her nerves, the way John praised him for what were normal developmental milestones. But suddenly she felt a surge of pride in her son, growing so fast. The weeks apart from him had been tolerable. Suddenly his absence was intolerable to her. Maybe because this time it wasn't her choice, her control, maybe because she feared for his safety or if she would see him again. She knows only that she left Moya that night without a second thought, and suddenly it feels like her world is caving in that she can't come home and pick up her baby in her arms.

"It's not safe for us here. And that's why I have to go. Not because I want to. Not because I want to hurt you. If you had been here, where you were supposed to be, none of this would be happening. I am beyond angry at you, Aeryn. But I'm terrified too. Of never seeing you again. That's not what I want, Aeryn, I love you. You have to know that by now. Our son loves you, we need you. And Chiana, you are part of our family too. None of this was meant to happen, I wouldn't leave you behind unless I had no choice, you know that. Take care of each other, and be careful. Wait on Moya, I will get word to you when I can."

And then, the hologram disappeared.


End file.
